Day 5

I was right. I had left my diary at home, and Gretchen couldn't resist the urge.
I'm really not angry, since I've read her diaries before. Tit for tat I guess.
Needless to say, she was really unnerved about me not knowing what will happen tomorrow.

I've put her through a rollercoaster of emotions. I do admit that I'm not being contant with her and that it's confusing her.
I told her once that I was no longer in love with her.
I did say it with heightened emotions, so I've always considered the possibility that I didn't mean it.
But I know myself. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't believe it.
I feel bad because she's a good mother, a good wife and a good friend. But I feel that we were never really right for each other.
I'm a bastard, I know.
I wish I could attribute my mistake to being young and impetuous, but it seems like such a stupid excuse. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. It wouldn't be the first time.
It's even harder to rationalize this in my head when I've been married for 7 years.
We've had good times together. I think we've both done great things together.
But over the past couple years, I've had that unsettling feeling. The feeling where you are missing something or that somehow life has denied you contentment.
Is that the realities of Marriage?

I've buried myself in vices to cloud my unhappiness, and it's turned me into something that Gretchen is always trying to break me of. I actually don't like myself much now either.

Plus, the compounds of guilt make it hard to feel good about anything...