I hate that bitch...

I am usually not one for potty language. It's funny, I remember one day my wife and I were playing Scrabble with a good friend Justin. We always got goofy when we played and Justin had played the word "Bitch". Of course, his mom had walked into the room to do something and Justin quickly changed the word to "Birth" so as not to upset his mother.
Well, that just stuck. Whenever I had a colorful explative for a woman, I would call her a "birth" to my wife. We always chuckled about that.
Well today, FORGET IT!
Joanne is just a plain bitch. I hate her.
I'm not even gonna bother censoring myself here. She's not worth it.
I want to kick her teeth in.
She's rude, argumentative and moody.
She probably wouldn't be so bad if her behavior wasn't so erratic and unpredictable.
One minute, she Ms. Social and happy. The next, she's a raving lunatic.
I'm sure I'm not the only one that thinks she's a bag.

I come up with solution to a problem that Joanne would handle differently and all I get is dirty faces and condescending talk.
"Great! You would do it differently! But isn't the problem solved?" But obviously, she's the pro and has all the right answers and I'm the wierdo with solutions that don't suit her.
You know what?
(kick to the teeth)

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

A kick to the hand...

The other night, I was laying bed reading a book. Gretchen had some photoshopping to do for a previous wedding that she had done, so she sat down in bed with the laptop and did her thing.
While editing her photos, she jumped slightly and grabbed my hand and put it on her belly.
Sure enough, I felt the baby kick.
It was such a nice thing to feel again. I had forgotten what it was like to feel a baby kicking. It just makes the whole thing so real.
Tomorrow we go to the hospital to find out what gender this one will be.
I am really happy about this new child coming into the world, but it also weighs me with a sense of dread.
It reminds me the seriousness of the feelings I have. The responsibility to all those that count on me.
Gretchen once told me that I always have a choice. "Even though you may not be comfortable with it, you still have the choice."

Now what?

One Ugly Weekend

Well, you really did it now Nathan.
Of course, I woke up feeling terrible for the things that I had done to Gretchen. I felt sick to my stomach while I was brushing my teeth. Gretchen was standing close by taking laundry out of the dryer. I felt compelled to say:
"I'm sorry about yesterday..."
I was caught talking to other women online. Nothing serious or scandalous, but I guess that I didn't manually logout of my google e-mail that Gretchen didn't know about.
For the record, the google e-mail address was for my spam signups.
Anyways, Gretchen apparently had been reading conversations that I had with other people.
I did tell one person that I was divorced. Yes, I lied.
I think I just put myself in the role-play position to see how she would respond to that.
Would I be forever marred as that "ewww...he's divorced." guy?
I had to know.
Well, go figure...that's the one conversation she finds.

Needless to say, Gretchen was hurt.

So today, I feel nauseaus. Not because I was actually talking to other people...but because I was caught.
I told her that.

Fortunately, she managed a smile and told me that it was ok. We would work through this.
She's so nice about the whole thing...

The drugs don't work

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately. I also noticed that I'm not eating as much as I used to.
Whenever I talk to my doctor, she's always asking that. "How are you sleeping? Eating?" ect ect...
I'm going to see her here in about 30 minutes and I'm going to get my anti-depressants changed over to something else. Maybe the Cilexa isn't working for me. I owe it to Gretchen to at least try something different, and maybe, just maybe it will help me with this funk I'm in.

The longer this goes on, the more I'm convinced that I want to throw it all away.

I pray the drugs work...

Crowing

There's a song by Toad the Wet Sprocket that I've listen to hundreds of times, but never really understood the meaning of. When I was younger, I bought a TTWS tab book and it had the tab for the song "Crowing".
I've always loved the mood and the melody of the song, but as I stated earlier, really had no clue what it was about.
On the inside cover of the tabbook, Glenn Phillips, the lead singer of TTWS makes a comment about that song. I don't remember exactly word for word what he said, but it was something about how two people can struggle so hard and just end up hurting each other. Something a little too deep for me at the time.

But now that I listen to that song, I think I found that meaning.
I do very much feel like the guy being talked about.

Gretchen knows the problems and anguish that I go through, and she now showers me with tokens of love even though I hardly return anything at all.
I don't know if I'm just not capable of loving her, or if I'm truly just living as a shell of who I am and that there's nothing left to give her.
Is her love enough to keep me? It's sad even writing that question.
I do feel like I'm crying out for repair, but I am realizing that there's nothing anyone can do. This repair is all up to me...

This song goes out to those who want to know what I feel.


"CROWING"
by Toad the Wet Sprocket

Been waiting
To find
You could've been happier
Given the time
If he'd make up his mind
You'd give yourself to anybody
Who would cross that line

And it was never question
He was crowing for repair
You'd give him love and affection
But you couldn't keep him there

Get over regrets
While you were sleeping with the angels
He was under the bed
And the more skin
That you shed
The more that the air in your throat will linger
When you call him your friend

And it was never question
He was crowing for repair
You'd give him love and affection
But you couldn't keep him there

Staring at a cold little hand
Reading fault lines
Of a shell of a man
You were waiting for a word from above
Wouldn't you know it
No answer ever did come

And it was never question
You were crowing for repair
You'd give him love and affection
But you couldn't keep him there

I just want a frickin Bagel with Cream Cheese

So for some reason, I woke up around 6am and just couldn't get back to sleep. Come to think of it, I really haven't been sleeping well lately anyways.
Since I was up, I decided to go to the gym.
A couple of the guys at work have been going in the morning, but since I'm not a morning person, I was less than enthused.
But today, I figured: "What the heck..."
It was certainly nice. In the few times I actually had the energy to go to the gym after work, I still found myself easily tired.
But this morning, I was firing on all 4 cylinders and was feeling good.
This day was turning out to be good.
Alas, all good things much come to an end.
The dingbats at Dunkin Donuts screwed up my planned breakfast that consisted of a PLAIN BAGEL with PLAIN CREAM CHEESE. That's it. I would say that is a very simple order.
Well, I got my bag from the window and didn't look to see whether it was right. I assumed.
Keep in mind, when you assume, you really make an ass out of you and me. But this time, it made an ass of them and them.
When I got to the office, I found that I didn't have a Bagel with cream cheese...
I have a Sausage Egg and Cheese Croissant.
huh?
I find myself laughing right now.
I could not think of a more opposite order on their menu, except maybe getting a soup. But no matter how early it was, I would have caught them handing me a soup.
Idiots.
So I am now eating a sandwich I don't want.
Fortunately it doesn't suck as much as a McDonald's sandwich.

Apparently I'm willing to settle for suck than throwing a stink for what I really want.
Seems to be a reoccuring motto...

Day 6

Every morning when I drive to work, I see an old lady with her Pug dog. The interesting thing is that this Pug is equally as old as the lady in dog years. I almost feel bad for the dog as it limps and groans; probably due to arthritis.
But every morning, there's the dog, struggling to the fire hydrant to do it's duty with the old lady faithfully tending to her companion. I can't help but speculate that as soon as that dog dies, the woman will too. They just seem to have that kind of relationship.
One that bonds two lives together with complete devotion. Where one goes, the other shall follow.
Where did I go wrong? Will my actions forever taint my devotion to another?

Day 5

I was right. I had left my diary at home, and Gretchen couldn't resist the urge.
I'm really not angry, since I've read her diaries before. Tit for tat I guess.
Needless to say, she was really unnerved about me not knowing what will happen tomorrow.

I've put her through a rollercoaster of emotions. I do admit that I'm not being contant with her and that it's confusing her.
I told her once that I was no longer in love with her.
I did say it with heightened emotions, so I've always considered the possibility that I didn't mean it.
But I know myself. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't believe it.
I feel bad because she's a good mother, a good wife and a good friend. But I feel that we were never really right for each other.
I'm a bastard, I know.
I wish I could attribute my mistake to being young and impetuous, but it seems like such a stupid excuse. Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. It wouldn't be the first time.
It's even harder to rationalize this in my head when I've been married for 7 years.
We've had good times together. I think we've both done great things together.
But over the past couple years, I've had that unsettling feeling. The feeling where you are missing something or that somehow life has denied you contentment.
Is that the realities of Marriage?

I've buried myself in vices to cloud my unhappiness, and it's turned me into something that Gretchen is always trying to break me of. I actually don't like myself much now either.

Plus, the compounds of guilt make it hard to feel good about anything...

Day 2

I recently bought a diary at Wal-Mart. I intended to write my thoughts and feelings there, but the other night Gretchen found my diary and told me to hide it so that she didn't have the urge to read it.
I'm running out of things to really hide from her, but I don't want to expose her to constant reminders of my true feelings.
So I will now use this as my new journal; which is works for me anyways since I can't write for very long without getting handcramps.



If you are reading this, maybe you know me personally. Or maybe you are mystified as to who I am and maybe you are looking for answers.
This is for you.
I dedicate my inner thoughts and feelings in these entries to my children and my loved ones, since one day they may want to read this.
I hope they understand how I feel today, since who knows what tomorrow may bring.

To begin with, I have problems.
I know, I know, who doesn't? right?

I know I have severe self-confidence issues. I know I have bouts of depression. I could possibly have ADHD. All these things combined makes it difficult to evaluate what I really FEEL and what I THINK I FEEL.
I've had these issues for years now, but they do seem to be crashing down on me at this point in my life.

I am scared.