So it begins...

My new life has begun. Its strange...
With so many things of my past being in a shattered state, I'm doing really well. Maybe because I've played these scenarios over and over again in my head, so now when they've finally happened I'm emotionally prepared.
I think I've been mourning over all these events for a long time and I'm out of tears now.

I've gotten my own little 1 bedroom in-law apartment. Brighton, you really like "Daddy's house" since there's a beautiful backyard with a botanical garden and a small little pond with a fountain.
It didn't take long for you to start running laps around the backyard with Finley (landlord's dog) chasing you around.
You are young and may not understand all that's going on, and for that, I'm grateful. With all you kids being so young, it made me feel horribly guilty leaving your mom, but I know now that this was the best time to go, since you are too young to really understand the what's going on when we say "Mommy's house" and "Daddy's house".

Its sad for me to know that I have to rebuild everything. My social life has been destroyed since so many are upset with my decision in the congregation.
At one time, I really thought that the best friends in the world would be found within the Organization, but now I feel differently.

This is worst time in my life and I've had to make the hardest decision possible, and I had to do it alone. I haven't talked with Reuben yet, but I've lost just about everyone else. Matt told me that if I signed the divorce papers, our friendship was over and it would never be the same.
I understood.

If there's anything that I understand now, you can't lie and deny how you feel.
So I've had to make new friends. Jon Mills from work has really been there for me and he didn't know me all that well prior to these events. We're getting to be close friends and I'm grateful to him that he's able to fill that emptiness.

But everyday, I try to swing by and see you kids. Even a hug and a kiss to remind you everyday that I love you and will always be a presence in your lives. You are my babies.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do now though. Some guys would celebrate this transition and embrace their new freedom by getting out there and chasing skirts. But I don't feel that way. I guess I still am mourning for the loss of something I tried to devote my life to...

Ode to my family

To my dearest children.

I don't know if you'll ever really read this, but I'm moved to write to you in an effort to explain the complexities of life.
If you've read the previous entries on this blog site, you'll know that I've been sad for a very long time. There was talk of depression, but I've decided to accept the truth.
The truth is kids, your mother and I had made a mistake. Or maybe I made the mistake.
Your mother and I got married too young.
We are both good people and we never meant this to happen.

I'm not sure who changed first and exactly when it happened, but I stopped loving your mother. At that time, I was a very active member of the congregation and it seemed sinful to feel the way I did. Gretchen wasn't abusive or rotten. She just couldn't make me happy on the levels I needed.

But feeling the way I did seemed unacceptable. I felt guilty all the time and I was ashamed of how I felt. So I denied it and buried it deeply.
Our marriage continued and I tried to act like nothing was wrong. That was my big mistake.

Over the years kids, these feelings of guilt began to take its toll on me. I became irritable, insecure and overwhelmingly sad. I began to hide behind video games to absorb my sadness.
This is turn left Gretchen feeling lonely, ignored and unimportant which compounded the problem. I tried to love her, I really did. But it felt so unnatural and I felt like a hypocrite, which led to more guilt and self-loathing.

Brighton, your birth was a highlight in my life. You are my little boy and you always will be. Deciding to have you was one of the best decisions of my life and the pride I had holding my little boy right after being born will forever be seared into my brain.

I thought that having you would fill the emptiness that I couldn't fill for Gretchen and it worked for a little while. During this time, we lived in Chesapeake OH. It was during this time that we asked Grandpa Dave and Grandma Rita to be your surrogate Grandparents. They love you so much.

However, once you got older, the emptiness came back. We moved up to Maine for a better future for both me and you.
When Gretchen became pregnant with your sister Elise, a weight fell upon my shoulders. I now had 2 children to take care of and I felt I was stuck in my empty relationship with your mother.
I began to get sick. I had all but lost joy in my life and it was very apparent to Gretchen something was very wrong.
There was a LOT of stress in my life at that time and in a moment of clarity/frustration I told your mother that I didn't love her. Kids, I broke your mothers heart and I regretted every minute afterward. In heart of hearts, I was telling the truth. But I don't like hurting ones I care about.

From that moment forward, for three years, Gretchen and I were never the same. We then knew that our relationship was not impervious/invincible. Gretchen was injured and she would never feel safe again.

Three days ago, I built up the strength to end our relationship. This hurts me deeply because I love you children so much. But Gretchen and I are both very sick and are becoming irritable and overwhelmed with grief and we don't want you kids thinking this is what a happy relationship is.
We want to be good parents for you and the only way I can do this is to be honest with how we feel and to make steps to fix it.

Your mother and I are not mad with each other. We both understand this must be done. We will always work together to make sure you three are raised in a happy home.

This wasn't the ideal situation kids. I didn't want it to turn out this way. But sometimes events happen that you don't want to, and you can't ignore it. Love you kids.

Your Father,

Nathan C Halverson

A breakthrough...kinda.

I came home on Friday feeling really burdened by life. I think that sinking feeling was getting to be too much for me.
I walked through the door and Gretchen saw something was wrong. After talking to me for a bit, with a few probing questions...I think she went into a panic. She immediately ran over to my mother's and asked her to watch the kids.
I guess my mother sensed the urgency of what was going on, and nicely commented to Gretchen about how leaving the Truth makes people do bad things and that Gretchen could count on my mother if bad things went down.

I don't know what to say about that. My mother has no faith in me, which became painfully obvious.
I probably should be mad with her. But its nothing new to me.
Surprise, surprise...

Anyways...

Gretchen and I drove out to a cemetery and just parked and talked. It still took forever for me to say anything, but eventually it all just spilled out.

I was scared.

I told her how I felt I was falling apart. I was losing my sanity and how I couldn't take much more of this empty feeling.
Gretchen took it a lot better than I expected her to. Maybe she wanted to hear more.

I told her everything that my shattered brain could without being overly redundant. She was quiet and just listened. I told her my thoughts about our incompatibility and that I was dying a little more each year with my needs going unfulfilled.

Gretchen swore that she would do whatever it took to meet my needs, which was touching.

I just feel that she was in denial and in a state of desperation.

I don't know what is going on...

The woman I hath loved...

Its been a while since I've updated my blog, but I feel the need to vent.

So much has happened that is worth mentioning, such as the birth of my baby girl Amelia, but that has not moved me as much as what I want to write now.

I am going to Ireland. I have dreamed of being there for 15 long years and finally, I will go. I'm 29 days away from setting my foot onto an island that has always had me enchanted.

Why do I go? Maybe its my wanderlust, which started when we came back from Paris. Maybe realizing I CAN afford to go to the one place I've set my heart on has pushed me into action.
I was thinking of making this a guy trip, but even with everyone backing out, I realize that this trip is for me, and me alone.

I feel that this trip is a journey inside my own psyche and what I've always wanted out of life.

Gretchen recently mentioned that she was once scared that if I went, I would never come back. I don't blame her for thinking that. There's a lot of discontentment here and I do have the tendency to run.

I have the feeling though that I will NEVER forget the name Jamie Jordan, no matter how long I live.
Jamie seems to be in a similar situation in life. Stuck in a rut and just hoping for something to give.
She's offered to show me around a bit and I've promised to take her out to dinner in exchange, but somewhere deep, I think she wants to feel special to someone.

I always thought that I would marry a girl from Ireland. I really did. I don't know why or how a woman who talks like that can tug so many of my heart strings.
But that never happened. I never left the States and I never met her.

But now I have.

This woman is the symbolic woman of my dreams and I have two days to say goodbye to her. I make it sound so dramatic, but it is what it is.
I'm saying goodbye to a fairy tale woman that never existed. The woman that haunts me.

I talked to her on the phone tonight at work for a few moments and she was amazing to talk to. The dialect is so beautiful and it just rolls off the tongue and tickles my ears.
She's quite stunning too.

Most likely of cases, she would prove to be annoying and repulsive with time; but for two days, she is the personification of everything I had wished for in a mate. For two days, I will treat her as if I have been waiting all my life for her...

Gretchen doesn't know about Jamie and I would never tell her. This is something I must do and I can't let her stop me. I feel like this is all I have right now and it makes me shudder.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...

Awhile back, I found this book laying around the house about "cognitive therapy". The general synopsis of the book is that depression is not a condition, but a frame of mind.

In the early chapters of the book, there is a questionarre that evaluates your depression scale. The point system ranged from 1-66. There were 22 questions that you could answer with a 1, 2 or 3.

"Do you want to slit your wrists?"
1) No.
2) Sometimes
3) I would love to, but dammit, I lost the knife!

Apparently, any normal person would score cumulatively less than 17.
If you are above that, you need help.

I score a 32.

32!

Apparently, 32 is just short of suicidal, even though I've never had thoughts of self destruction. Ever.

I guess that's what triggered the idea that I should get back on some anti depressants.
I initially quit the stuff just to feel like I was in control of my own feelings and not needing pills shoved down my throat to feel like I could make a rational decision.

However, its been 2 years and things are not getting much better on my own.

Which brings up the question of: "Am I depressed or just unhappy? Or both?"

I'll let Cymbalta do its thing and we'll see what happens...

WTS 8 month pregnant wife. Cheap!

It's been a long time since I've been as upset as I was last night...

Gretchen had some friends over and we were watching 'The Office' together.
I had completely forgotten about the whole event until I walked through the door and found that we had company.

The night was going pretty good; good food, a few laughs. But I noticed that Gretchen had left the lviving room and was brooding in the kitchen while putting the dishes away. I called out to her from the livingroom:

"Hey hun, you alright?"

She kinda snapped at me and said: "I'm fine..."

Of course, her abrupt response even caught the attention of our guests. Needless to say, they saw something was up and decided to call it a night. It was late anyways...

So Gretchen comes into the living room and sits down on the couch and begins to look sorry for herself...

It reminded me of something my 4 year old son would do.

So after some questioning, I found out that she was mad at us (I say us, us being me and our two guests) for not offering her the couch while she was lying down on the floor.
Apparently, she was uncomfortable on the floor and she was mad that I wasn't chivalrous enough to offer her the couch spot.

I tried to tell her that I didn't notice and that it wasn't some concious decision to let my 8 month pregnant wife lay on the floor. If she had only asked me for the spot on the couch, I would have gladly given it to her.

But that wasn't enough for her. She was mad at me for not noticing. She felt that she shouldn't have to ask.

I got mad.

"I can't read your mind and you are accusing me of being selfish/inconsiderate based on the fact that I didn't offer you the couch!"

I'm not a chivalrous person by nature. I know that and she knew that long before we got married, but here she was being mad at me for something I am not.

Let me say it again, I was furious.

We fought back and forth because I refused to apologize for something I didn't do. Something deep inside me refused to back down and accept any responsibility for what had happened.

I'm very good at taking blame. Definitely to a fault.
I will take responsibility for actions that are not my own and it has crippled me as a person.

But not this time.

Gretchen was devastated that I couldn't offer the smallest of apologies, but I dug my heels in based on principle.

I don't know who is wrong here.

Me for being stubborn or her for being unfair?

I have no idea what happened to this marriage...

Running to stand still...

I'm not sure what triggered the memory, but I was surfing the web and realized that I had a blogspot out there somewhere that had some deep thoughts written down. I think I just wanted to see what I had written, since my writings never seem like my own after long periods of time.

Its strange. After reading them almost 2 years after they were written, I see that not much has changed.
I'm 30 years old now. I have two children with another along the way. I've been the first of my family to travel internationally (Paris, France), and I've been promoted at work.

Brighton is now 4 years old and is growing to be just like his mother. Elise turned 1 in November of 2009 and she's a darling. She developed this smile that Gretchen says is a "little Nathan" smile. I think she may be right.

The kids are wonderful, though sometimes they can be a handful.

However, I feel that things are only gradually getting worse with Gretchen and I.

She's pregnant with our 3rd child and she only has about 5 weeks before she's carried to term. She's moody, emotional, depressed and tired and its been rough on us both.

Reading my blogs of almost 2 years ago, I see that little has changed in my life regarding my personal feelings.

I'm planning a trip to Ireland for this summer. Sometimes I wish I could leave and never come back. I get so disgusted with my lack of progess in life and I do feel stagnant.
Gretchen knows that I'm not doing well and my whole "I don't love you" stunt of 2 years ago is probably still seared into her brain. But I can't say that for sure.

I've tried to love her the way she needs, but it seems to come out as just being nice.

Its kinda like when you tell someone one thing when you really meant to say something else.

I need a break.

I'm trying to hold out going to Ireland for nicer weather. I need to get away.