Life is good, life is grand...

So it's been about 2 weeks since I've taken anything. Whether it be Adderal, Cilexa or Welbutrin and I have to say that I'm feeling fine.
It's been so long, that I forget why I even got on all that stuff.
I've never once had thought of self-harm or anything, just that nagging feeling of unhappiness.
It's so hard to decipher what it is that's truly bothering me...maybe it is my marriage. I don't know.
I've given this the best shot I can on making the best of my situation. I've tried numerous medications and none change that feeling that I have.
My counselor said to me: "You know Nathan, I would be very interested to see what kind of person you are when you are not on medication..."
I couldn't help but smile, but I think even she knows that I wouldn't change much.
So now it's just Gretchen that holds on to the hope of me changing.
I really want to say that I've tried the drugs.

But I'm feeling pretty good about things. The Welbutrin was crap anyways and was making me dizzy all the time, and I'm still able to focus without the Adderall.
It's probably all the stress in my life.

But life is still good.

My rant for the day...

HAHAHA! To be honest, I logged into Blogger and I wasn't even sure what I was going to write about...
So before I started writing, I decided to head to the bathroom and freshen up a bit.
Well, inspiration comes in many forms. It can even come in the form of a smell. A pungent smell at that.
I walked into the bathroom that 3 different companies share. Most of the time, it's just us guys at Plixer. Which is a good thing, since I don't question the hygene of anyone here in the office.
However, apon walking in...there was a new face.
The guy was a rather plump fellow. Probably close to 300 lbs and not at all charismatic.
He must be one of the trolls from the shipping company down the hall.
But anyways...
I walked over to the urinal to do my business and I was greeted with a horrible stench. It's rather hard to describe is such detail, but if I could speculate, it was body odor mixed with unwash private parts.
It was terrible. I had to cover my nose WHILE I was doing my thing so that I didn't throw up.
Do people like that have any idea of how bad they smell? Are they really that clueless?

I wonder if he even washed his hands...

Blue Ball Busters...huh?

As instructed by an e-mail that I got in my inbox; I drove up to Portland after work and met with all the people that were going to be playing kickball this summer.
There was probably about 30+ people there and we had a room reserved for our rowdiness.
I was a little nervous since it's been a long time since I've put myself in a situation where I knew nobody in a social setting.
But apon signing in, I was instructed to join team 2. Much to my surprise, I was 1 of 2 guys sitting at our teams table. So it's me, and my rather quiet counterpart Josh and a table full of reasonably attractive girls.
I say "reasonably" simply because I'm pretty picky about my tastes in women, and I don't throw around the word "hottie" carelessly.
It was rather pleasant though to walk up to complete strangers and introduce myself. I couldn't help but wonder what the girls were thinking as I made my rounds around the table shaking hands with them, but I never got that awkward vibe from any of them suggesting that I made a bad first impression.
We all sat around drinking beers and waiting for our Coordinator to go over the rules of kickball and blah, blah, blah.
But afterward, we had a nice time talking about what we all did for work and the polite nothings to keep the conversation momentum moving forward. Before long though, we were getting comfortable enough to start cracking jokes and teasing one another and all was good.
It was an interesting experience. I kinda realized what kind of person I was, when I wasn't around familiar settings and away from the life that seems so uncomfortable to me.

I was still a happy guy...

I still loved entertaining people...

and I love Guinness...

But one of the tasks for the evening was to come up with a team name.
Considering that we were the blue team, it didn't take long for the girls to decide on the name "Blue Ball Busters".
Which, in my opinion, can be taken 2 ways...

We either will seriously bust some balls in kickball...

Or we provide sexual services to alleviate the deprived male...

hmmmm...they picked it, not me.

I just don't get her sometimes...

I'm not even sure how I would want to start this blog.
Gretchen really confuses me sometimes. I guess that's it.
Yesterday, I had to drop my car off at the mechanics. So Gretchen gave me a ride to work. On the way to work, she handed me a folded piece of paper and told me that I had to open it at work. She hinted that it was very sensative material, so she strongly urged I not drop it or lose it.
Well, I got to work and opened it up...
Lo and behold, it was a rather graphic love letter. It caught my interest, not just because it was sexual in nature, but because it was so very unlike Gretchen to do something like this.
Even though this is merely my speculation: I think Gretchen is afraid of her sexuality. Not that she's a shrew or anything...
But I think she gets embarrassed and ashamed of her personal feelings. It translates in bed too.
Honestly, I think it's worn on me too.
But I don't want to talk too much about her sexual prowlress though.

So I manage to get through the work day, which sometimes is stressful.
Gretchen had reminded me the day before that she was having some friends over for a movie.
So I decided to go see "Hancock" myself.
I got home around 8:45pm or so and there was still some girls in the house, so I retreated to my room and read a book.
Honestly, the thought of that letter did cross my mind. I mean, c'mon, I'm a guy.
However, thinking about the girls over, it's almost 9pm...I didn't think it was gonna happen.
The girls shindig ended around 9pm or so. Gretchen told them she was "tired" and they agreed and just went home.
So around 9:15pm or so, she walks in and lays down on the bed.
"Done already?" I was kinda surprised since their movie wasn't even close to being finished.
"Yeah, I told them I was tired, and Aimee said she was tired too...so we called it quits."

"So how was Brighton today, hon?"
You know, just break the silence.
"Oh, he was fine..."
I guess I was kinda fishing for the mood of tonight. But I really wasn't getting anything from her that suggested that she wanted to get into anything tonight.

Well, I told her that I would finish my chapter and then I was heading to bed. She consented and just kinda laid there for the company.
Well, as we laid there with the lights off, and the quiet hum of the fan...I could tell something was wrong.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm just not tired I guess..."
Now that I think about it, maybe she was trying to tell me:
"I'm not tired Nathan, even though I said I was tired earlier...so you can make your advances now."
But of course, I didn't pick up on that at the time.
After about 5 minutes of laying there, I knew something was really wrong.
I asked her "Are you sure you're ok? Something seems to be bothering you..."
That's when she erupted.
She was mad.

I can't remember the exact dialog, but I can tell you a summary.
I didn't act apon the letter. She was upset and she felt really insecure, and was thinking that I didn't want her and was not interested.
Honestly, it's been a rough couple months. I've given her plenty of reasons to feel that way.
But yesterday, she poured her heart out to me via a letter and I apparently was rejecting her.
She felt stupid and unwanted.

I was really confused and mystified to get such a reaction from her. We both exchanged words and expressed our resentment over the situation, even though I didn't think it was entirely all my fault...

On a happy note though, a little hug went a long way and she felt better. We both salvaged some of our pride and were able to overcome our frustrations with a passionate evening.
Make up sex is cool. It's just the circumstances that make it "make up" sex which sucks.