Ode to my family

To my dearest children.

I don't know if you'll ever really read this, but I'm moved to write to you in an effort to explain the complexities of life.
If you've read the previous entries on this blog site, you'll know that I've been sad for a very long time. There was talk of depression, but I've decided to accept the truth.
The truth is kids, your mother and I had made a mistake. Or maybe I made the mistake.
Your mother and I got married too young.
We are both good people and we never meant this to happen.

I'm not sure who changed first and exactly when it happened, but I stopped loving your mother. At that time, I was a very active member of the congregation and it seemed sinful to feel the way I did. Gretchen wasn't abusive or rotten. She just couldn't make me happy on the levels I needed.

But feeling the way I did seemed unacceptable. I felt guilty all the time and I was ashamed of how I felt. So I denied it and buried it deeply.
Our marriage continued and I tried to act like nothing was wrong. That was my big mistake.

Over the years kids, these feelings of guilt began to take its toll on me. I became irritable, insecure and overwhelmingly sad. I began to hide behind video games to absorb my sadness.
This is turn left Gretchen feeling lonely, ignored and unimportant which compounded the problem. I tried to love her, I really did. But it felt so unnatural and I felt like a hypocrite, which led to more guilt and self-loathing.

Brighton, your birth was a highlight in my life. You are my little boy and you always will be. Deciding to have you was one of the best decisions of my life and the pride I had holding my little boy right after being born will forever be seared into my brain.

I thought that having you would fill the emptiness that I couldn't fill for Gretchen and it worked for a little while. During this time, we lived in Chesapeake OH. It was during this time that we asked Grandpa Dave and Grandma Rita to be your surrogate Grandparents. They love you so much.

However, once you got older, the emptiness came back. We moved up to Maine for a better future for both me and you.
When Gretchen became pregnant with your sister Elise, a weight fell upon my shoulders. I now had 2 children to take care of and I felt I was stuck in my empty relationship with your mother.
I began to get sick. I had all but lost joy in my life and it was very apparent to Gretchen something was very wrong.
There was a LOT of stress in my life at that time and in a moment of clarity/frustration I told your mother that I didn't love her. Kids, I broke your mothers heart and I regretted every minute afterward. In heart of hearts, I was telling the truth. But I don't like hurting ones I care about.

From that moment forward, for three years, Gretchen and I were never the same. We then knew that our relationship was not impervious/invincible. Gretchen was injured and she would never feel safe again.

Three days ago, I built up the strength to end our relationship. This hurts me deeply because I love you children so much. But Gretchen and I are both very sick and are becoming irritable and overwhelmed with grief and we don't want you kids thinking this is what a happy relationship is.
We want to be good parents for you and the only way I can do this is to be honest with how we feel and to make steps to fix it.

Your mother and I are not mad with each other. We both understand this must be done. We will always work together to make sure you three are raised in a happy home.

This wasn't the ideal situation kids. I didn't want it to turn out this way. But sometimes events happen that you don't want to, and you can't ignore it. Love you kids.

Your Father,

Nathan C Halverson

A breakthrough...kinda.

I came home on Friday feeling really burdened by life. I think that sinking feeling was getting to be too much for me.
I walked through the door and Gretchen saw something was wrong. After talking to me for a bit, with a few probing questions...I think she went into a panic. She immediately ran over to my mother's and asked her to watch the kids.
I guess my mother sensed the urgency of what was going on, and nicely commented to Gretchen about how leaving the Truth makes people do bad things and that Gretchen could count on my mother if bad things went down.

I don't know what to say about that. My mother has no faith in me, which became painfully obvious.
I probably should be mad with her. But its nothing new to me.
Surprise, surprise...

Anyways...

Gretchen and I drove out to a cemetery and just parked and talked. It still took forever for me to say anything, but eventually it all just spilled out.

I was scared.

I told her how I felt I was falling apart. I was losing my sanity and how I couldn't take much more of this empty feeling.
Gretchen took it a lot better than I expected her to. Maybe she wanted to hear more.

I told her everything that my shattered brain could without being overly redundant. She was quiet and just listened. I told her my thoughts about our incompatibility and that I was dying a little more each year with my needs going unfulfilled.

Gretchen swore that she would do whatever it took to meet my needs, which was touching.

I just feel that she was in denial and in a state of desperation.

I don't know what is going on...